i think it will be okay

On Tuesday, I stubbed my toe. I was in so much pain, I just cried like a little kid on the floor for a few minutes. I then washed off the toe and put a band-aid on it, because isn't that what makes pain go away? And I didn't look at it. I was afraid the toenail would come off if I touched it. I didn't want to deal with it, so I didn't. And that about sums up how I handle life. Painful, hard things happen. I cry for a minute. Then I ignore it. That's just how I deal. To me, it's the only way.

Then, slowly, I start to make sense of what has happened. I inspected my toe a bit more yesterday, putting neosporin on it. Working around the thing that happened. And then tonight I finally soaked the toe, properly. Cut down the toenail as much as I dared (which seems to have helped). Basically, I did what I probably should have done on Tuesday. But sometimes, these things are just too much and it's easier to deal with it in increments. In a nutshell, I think the toe will be okay. Even if I lose the toenail, I think it won't be as bad as I first imagined.

The funny thing about this whole toe episode is that it was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. The event in and of itself wasn't terribly bad. But after a culmination of 4 very, very, very long and hard months, I kind of felt like not a whole lot more could go wrong. Kind of a Job moment for me, truthfully. I hadn't lost everything...obviously...I still had my family and some friends. But in truth I had lost a lot. Didn't have a whole lot going for me that anyone would care to hear about.

Then on Wednesday, I finally got a job! Very strange how the universe works... I will be working in Park City, same place I was doing my internship. I will be the Curator of Education (which is kind of a funny title to me...but I won't complain) and will be in charge of the educational programming at the museum and volunteers. I am excited. A little nervous. But really grateful that I think things will be okay. My toe...and my career. It may even be a bit of a new start for a new life, really. Because who I was when I lived in Utah before is not the person I am today. Lots has changed. A lot will continue to change. And I think I am finally ready to accept that.

why will i always remember it was tuesday?

Nine years ago. Just another Tuesday. I purposely had scheduled classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday so I could substitute teach on Tuesday and Thursday. It was still too early in the season to ski. This Tuesday they hadn't called. I slept in. I woke up and my mostly unreliable roommate told me things that surely couldn't be true (and some weren't). But most of it was true. I did get called in to teach. But school was unreal. The pictures were unreal. The terror couldn't be true. And the heartache broke my heart. I was sure the world couldn't get any worse. We would surely learn after this. How silly of a history major to think. But I was very idealistic that year. And in nine years, the idealistic Jenette vanished just a little bit. When I walked into that school, I just knew there was a reason I would teach history. Somewhere down the line it just became about getting a job, sadly. Everyone I shared some time with on that day will forever be linked to my life. Watching the devastation on tv with Steph. And just crying that evening in my Maple View Apt. Some moments of my life are still crystal clear in my mind. Nine years ago was one of those days.

"Today I will remember that peace has not been achieved. I will tell my students there is a great need for them to do good and make a difference in the world. History is continually in the making-for the good and the bad. We need to be a part of that. Learning from the past and applying it to our future. May we all someday be united in peace, is my only prayer."

I wrote that nine years ago. Sadly, peace is hard to come by in this world today. But I remember the sadness. The heartache for those families. And, selfishly, I remember me. Someone who had lost a lot of hope, but still somehow saw the teaching moment, and even the potential for good. Despite the horrific day that it was.

It is good to remember that girl from nine years ago.

everything happens for a reason

I graduated from George Washington University on May 16th, with the Capitol in front of me, the Washington Monument in back of me, and the museums of the Smithsonian Institution surrounding me. It was amazing... And here I am. Interning for hardly anything. Waiting on many job applications. Looking at (official) unemployment in just a short 1 1/2 months. It has been very easy to get discouraged at my life. Recently, I have had reason to reassess this whole discouraged thing, however.

Pretty much the moment I quit my job at the American West Heritage Center in 2008 to go to graduate school, I began questioning that move. Why give up a perfectly okay job? Move across the country, away from my family? To a place where the cost of living, is well, let's just say it's higher than the cost of living in Logan. It never made a lot of sense, logically. I can't deny that it felt right to take that step...but the logical person in me kept saying, "I could have stayed at the Heritage Center and went to USU." But today, I am thinking that, truly, everything happens for a reason. And despite my current employment status, I am so very happy for that fact.

I have a couple of former co-workers at the Heritage Center that just lost their jobs recently. When I think about it, I realize that I really did do something great, in the time it needed to happen. At the moment, I think it would have been easier to stay in Logan (I LOVE Cache Valley, after all). But, I would still be out of a job two years later, but no graduate school. So, I am glad I didn't stay. Because my reasons for staying would have been for the wrong reason--fear. I read this book where it talked about the fact that the future will come. The author wrote, "“The three years is not optional. It is going to come and pass. You will be here…That day three years from now will be here. It is not an option. The question is what do you want your life to look like on that day?” I like that. Obviously, I didn't want to be unemployed two years from when I quit my job at the Heritage Center. But...the world is still open. I am exploring the possibilities of areas where I can contribute. I am really sad for my friends and former co-workers. It's kind of awful to be looking for work right now.

But, I am going to hold out for the motto from LOST, "Everything happens for a reason." I don't have any clue what two years from now will look like, so I'm just going to keep going with the opportunities that feel right, at this moment. (Okay, so maybe a similar phrase is in some religious writings too...not just a (great) TV show.)

Oh, and the book is called 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed In Love and Life by Dr. Henry Cloud. Clearly, I need to re-read it. Because I have neither been successful in love or life recently. ha, ha... But, my dad recommended it, and I surprisingly enjoyed it.