Saturday, November 13, 2010

what we need

What we want isn't what we always get. That's what we tell kids when they can't have the toy, the candy, more playtime (rather than going to bed or eating). We're the adults, so we can tell kids that. But do we listen to our own lessons? We aren't that much different. Recently I have been whining because I have something amazing, but it isn't what I wanted. But the truth of the matter is, rather than getting what we want, we often get what we need instead. That is annoying to kids. And quite frankly, it is annoying to me too. In the moment, I get frustrated by the disconnect between wanting and needing.

But tonight I remembered back one year ago, to my birthday. I needed a break from the city, from people. So, I drove myself out to the Shenandoahs. I really wanted to see the fall colors. The beautiful leaves. Some peace from the noise, from school, from boys ruining my life. It was a gorgeous drive. The mountains were great. The small towns were amazingly charming. It was beautiful and it was fall in all its beauty. Rolling landscape and comforting trees.

When I got there, I drove a little higher in elevation. And then it started to snow on all the beautiful fall colors. The snow was ruining what I had wanted so much! At first I was a bit sad, but that sadness turned into pure joy. I couldn't help but feel my soul giving a huge sigh of relief. The snow was what I really needed that day. I had wanted the fall colors, and they were amazing, but I got something much greater in the journey--snow. I hadn't realized that is what I needed, but it was just thing for my soul. (Of course, little did I know that a few months later I would have had enough of snow! Ha, ha...)

And so goes my life. I wanted a job so badly. But I didn't realize I didn't want one in Utah until I got it. So I mope. And I continue to whine, just a bit. And I just wait for the snow (metaphorically...though I know it is literally right around the corner). The snow that will let me know that this is indeed what I need more than anything I could have thought I wanted.

So, I just breathe in the cold mountain air and I let my life just be. It's a great journey, to be sure. Patience is not my strongest virtue. But patience is what I will have to exercise. The patience to allow time to pass so that I finally will accept that what I have and got is exactly what I needed all along. That's the trick for me. Because when I feel that joy in my soul, that sigh of relief, I will know that what I needed all along is also what I wanted, but I just didn't realize it. And I will be okay that I am back.